Emo Girl Phase

"omg sam! you look so good as a brunette"

but also...

"yikes sam.. please go back to blonde"

After 20 years, I impulsively decided to change my hair from yin to yang, from light to dark.

I didn't really care how it was going to look, I just knew that I needed a change in my life. Being bipolar, I always feel like there is something wrong with me and if I make quick fixes-like changing my physical appearance-I will magically be better on the inside.

I have done fake nails and lashes, 24 hour temporary tanner. But nothing as permanent as going blonde to brunette. SO on a Friday afternoon, I called my friend and told her the plan "10 dollar dye as dark as we can go." (Extremity is a sign of bipolar tendencies)

So there ya have it folks.... a really bad decision that will probably end horribly. And that it did. Half way through doing my hair, we ran out of dye. So my friend ran to the store which left my hair to over process.

The dark dye really became....dark.

I absolutely hated it. I already missed my blonde hair and it physically pained me to look in the mirror. I started to feel super insecure, more than I already had been. I thought I was "ugly" and there was nothing that could ever fix it.

And it's true, I didn't look my best. The color was way too dark from being over processed and it was way too drastic of a change. But then I had a realization. This is where my self growth came into play. I started to look past my physical self and embraced who I was. Sure, I hated looking in the mirror... but how far does looking in a mirror really get you in life?

This experience of dying my hair dark has taught me a lot about myself. Yes, at the end of the day ITS JUST HAIR! But... to me, this experience was so much more than my frizzy hair. It was about embracing change that I so desperately needed and it gave me the opportunity to work on myself & advocate for my own needs. I feel like so many people gave their opinions on the matter of me dying MY hair. But their opinion shouldn't be the determining factor of my security. Their opinion does NOT justify my existence.

At the end of the day, hair is just hair and I have successful dyed it back to blonde after a few short months (my hair is damaged if I may add haha)But listening to your heart and doing what is needed to make you happy is so much more important. So after reading this post, maybe I didn't inspire you to foolishly dye your hair an outrageous color (or maybe I did and that's cool, too). But hopefully I inspired you to explore areas in your life that could use some sense of change and renewal.