Hey! I'm 158 Pounds

Senior year of high school, I weighed the same I do now: 158 pounds. But this wasn't muscle nor was it healthy. Every day after school, I found myself in the drive thru Taco Bell line ordering potato cheese burritos and nachos. And if it wasn't Taco Bell, I was making some high caloric snack at home (even though dinner would be two hours later). I was depressed, and I didn't really care how my body looked to be honest. This is all I remember before the way I looked at food and exercise drastically changed. It was as if a light switch went off in my brain. I started to see my body as fat, ugly.... too big.

If I were to go back in time to senior year Sam, I would have told her "You're not fat. You are living an unhealthy life with an unsustainable eating, sleeping, and exercising pattern. You need balance. But on top of everything, senior Sam, be patient with yourself. You are not going to become the person you want to be by dropping a few pounds on the scale." Sadly, I still don't always listen to this mindful advice. When my mind goes to dark places, so do my obsessions. Calorie counting, crash dieting, excessive exercise plans, and hours upon hours spent glaring at each imperfection in the mirror. I. Am. Fat. That's all I hear played over and over in my mind.

But then, I reach a point of clarity. I start to actually see my body for what it is. I am patient with myself and eat and work out intuitively. Living with bipolar causes this back and forth obsession and complete disregard for our bodies. One day I strive for 600 calories while other days, the four meals I consume all contain 600 calories. One day I run 10 miles, do 30 minutes of barre and still feel like I haven't done enough whereas other days I can barely shower. If only I were a bit more patient and understanding with myself would my exercise and diet habits become more normalized.

I am challenging myself to do the following: not use the phrase "I am fat." Because in reality, I am not fat. I am just in need of a healthier balance. Just because I am 158 pounds does NOT mean I am healthy. It means I am a woman with hormonal changes. It means I am strong and my body is capable of completing exercises and challenges I set my mind to. And really, all it means is that it's an arbitrary number on a scale.

So instead of saying I'm fat, use the phrases "I'm uncomfortable with how I feel right now." "I feel unhealthy and want to get healthier." Throw the scales and mirrors away ladies. Anyone down for Taco Bell?