Let's Get Take Out!

When my family does take out, we take turns with who decides where we eat. Well…last night was my turn to chose.

Choice is a very hard concept for me. Choice implies that we have the freedom to decide what we want. But how can I have choice when I am not free from my obsessive thoughts? The thoughts that count calories. The thoughts that compare total sugar and carbs on each and every menu item. How do I really have choice?

SO, like every time I get to chose a meal, this is how my six-step process goes:

1. I know exactly what I want because of my instinctual cravings! But....

2. I will ignore my craving, push it down, bottle it up and repeatedly tell myself I AM FAT and undeserving of the food I want to eat…. How could I ever think to eat something so bad for me? So then...

3. I'll lash out — at everyone. I am so angry and uncomfortable in my own skin that I project on those around me. If Im not happy in my own skin, I’ll just make everyone around me just as miserable.. right? But ultimately…

4. I will circle back to the place I wanted all along after crying about it for an hour or so and apolgogizing for my mood. By this point I am starving because I have continued to deprive myself throughout the day knowing I would potentially be eating something that was take out. So then...

5. We order from the place I initially wanted but I look at each and every calorie, planning and strategizing how I can minimize my calories to the best of my ability. Cheese? Cut it out. Cream? Cut her out. Rice, beans, pastas, potatoes? Cut them out. I am left with protein and sadness. The food arrives and...

6. I feel dissapointment, deprivation, anger. Why didn’t I get what everyone else got? Why didn’t I get the cheese? It literally makes the meal!! Why did I cut out the rice… my literal FAVORITE part? Why didn’t I just trust myself and go with instinct?

And that my friends is where the art of intuitive eating comes into play. My therapist told me about intuitive eating about a year go when I was finally ready to say no to disordered eatings habits and say yes to actually caring for my self.

Intuitive eating is saying no to crash diets. It's honoring hunger and eating when our body tell us it needs fuel. Instead of telling yourself you can't eat something, honor what your body wants which will in the future actually reduce strong cravings, binge episodes, and obsessive food thoughts. Don't police how much you can eat... calorie counting for some of us is NOT the answer! For me, calorie counting is obsessive, not healthy and I avoid it as much as I can. And finally, intuitive eating is about swapping emotional eating for actually coping with triggers and feelings in healthy ways. Food is not meant for emotional comfort. Anxiety, loneliness and anger are feelings that can be coped with in better ways... this also means exercise is not always the answer either! We eat when we need to and we exercise when it feels right! Not because we ate too much.

Learning to live a life of balance is important. Restrictions and punishment will not lead to our "dream bodies." In fact, it will make it even worse. That's why eating an apple and a cookie is fine. Telling yourself eating a cookie requires a 20 minute exercise is not.

Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle... ALOT. I am struggling right now as I write this piece, regretting the pancakes I ate for breakfast and the fact I am too sore to work it off. But I’m also trying my best to fight these irrational and toxic thoughts. I acknowledge that this is just obsession and it shall pass. So today, I am not going to work out. AND I’m going to eat what my body tells me to eat. I am making the choice to live a happy, healthy life filled with freedom balance and intuition. Let's get takeout! And not feel bad about it for once. <3