I'm Sorry For Burdening You

Here's the thing.... we are in a pandemic. And simultaneously...I'm bipolar as fuck and trying to navigate this mind taxing experience. I'm moody, I'm depressed, I'm overly anxious, I'm FREAKING OUT!!!

But here's the other thing... everyone is freaking out. Everyone is dealing with things and experiencing a stressful period of time that I pray we never have to experience again. This does not change the fact that millions of people experiencing mental illness are freaking out more than they did when there wasn't a collapsing economy, quarantined isolation, and a lack of in-person therapy sessions.

I feel like I am drowning if I am being honest. And I think it's important we all are honest with how we are feeling right now.

Each morning, I wake up scared to realize which version of myself I will be. Will I be fun, easy going Sam who can spend hours laughing, working out, and spending time with her family and friends? Is it the Sam who will be tired and drained emotionally but still pleasant to be around? Will it be the quiet, bottles everything up Sam? Will it be the agitated, bitch mode stay away from her Sam? Or... my favorite one... the Sam that experiences ALL of these emotions on the same day. Also known as the walking "Rollercoaster Sam."

I am sick and tired of living with a mood disorder. I am sick and tired of feeling like my mental illness is my fault and that I chose this lifestyle. I am sick and tired of apologizing for my moods, apologizing for my unpredictability because in all fairness, I wake up just as surprised as those around me do.

Everyday I start over. Who am I going to be today? What are my ambitions for this week? My goals? But in reality, they never last and I always end up back at square one. This is what it is like living with a mood disorder. I am unpredictable, I am emotional, and I am tired.

Despite these racing thoughts and my inability to catch a break, I feel so GUILTY to ask for help, to share my thoughts with my closest friends and family members. I am ashamed above all else. I feel like a broken record complaining about the same issues over and over again. "I'm sad, help me mom." Or "I'm depressed and can't help you today friend." Or even "I feel fat and ugly, reassure me please boyfriend."

It's as if my mental illness has turned me into a narcissist, constantly obsessed with the wave of emotions that dictate my life which leads to a constant need for reassurance and support.

I don't want to be a "victim" or the center of anyones attention. In fact, I don't want to burden you. I want to be better and strong and I want to help others who feel this same way.

So...To all of you who have been there for me. To those who have gone on this rollercoaster ride of emotions with me...I am so sorry. But most importantly, I am so thankful for you.

One more ask though...when this pandemic ends, can I bother you for a hug?

- A very Moody Ranting Girl